Feel like shitzzz

Yah..talk about waking up and going to school; attending class, and doing some experiments you planned out. Then you realize that your monthly fucken friend hits you worse than ever before. Talk about not even two fucken pills of Midol working..and not being able to fucken walk.

Talk about your lab GUYS wondering what the fuck is wrong with you..and all you can do is try to talk politely yet have this raging attitude and say "can't you tell I'm wearing a ton of clothes"...hoping they think I came down with a cold or something. Then they all get all worried wondering about the symptoms and offer to frikkin take you home, when all you wanna do is NOT talk to anyone...and get the fuck back into to your bed!

Yah so that starts my fucken day. Nothing helps; no meds beats the bitchass pain I have..Being a girl sucks ass on days like this :(

..My mom called thankfully and made me feel better. I was in so much pain. For some reason pain goes away when someone who cares about you, gets a hold of you....

Brings me down..

Why is that I get down so fast? Why can't I just shrug shit off?? I'll sit there and think of it nonstop :( Like seriously..nonstop. Part of me wishes and knows of ways to get rid of it..but I wonder if that's the best solution to it all :( Just scared of it all....soo scared. Never want to hear those words....I can't say more....BlueDolphin would smack me and tell me to shut up....Grr dark blue pill week sucks ass :( (last part of the b.c. pills before placebo)

I had a dream last night...it was pretty bad. It only hit me today while in the shower as to what it meant. I have had many dreams like this..been having them since I was in high school. Most of them deal with me running and running, or crawling up a ladder and being soo tired but not stopping, while each rung makes me think elsewise...I've always attributed it to my determination, as when I'm trying to succeed or get somewhere I try try try, and each time I try I think elsewise, but I keep going...ladder of success I guess.

So...my dream last night..It was in my hometown..I was running home from the university..which is like a 7-10 mile run. I was dead tired...out of breath, could see black and almost about to faint around the 4th mile. I contemplated laying down in the snow and just falling asleep in the snow..hoping the pain would go away..but for some reason in my dream, I had gotten on my knees and was taking a rest, yet was also looking towards the rest of the journey, consoling myself and saying come on, you've run more than 1/2 the route, you can do the rest..no point to stop. What was worse was that I was running NAKED in the cold cold winter with snow all around me. I saw others running and they were covered and enjoying it..and then there was me :( I think this means that I'm gonna get humiliated (naked duh), and that I'm running to some goal, yet my humiliation doesn't bug me but towards the middle of the run or path, I stop and wonder and feel like I'm dead..but yet I keep going..or so I hope.

Why do I abuse myself like this? I mean I could seriously go on with life and never have to worry about shit like this....I could get a job and be having a kid, and living a life of no worries..but why do I choose this?? :(

124!! So I'm a geek :)

Yes I'm tooting my own horn on this one...but what caused me to do it is that a friend of mine told me to take this one IQ exam thingy online at tickle.com. Of course he scored a bit better than me..but I guess I didn't do too bad either. I'm pasting my scores below..just because I need a place to save them. Not many view this bloggie...so I can't be tooting my own horn that bad :P

So my total or IQ score is 124. They say that most people are at 112. Above is a pic of the distribution, I'm at the right tail end of the distribution.

More about me.....don't get bored now :P

I'm what they call a Precision Processor. Here's the details of it:
You've got a very experiential way of learning and a strong mathematical mind. You're able to whittle even the most complex situation down to comprehensible component parts. In short, you have mastered the art and science of precision. That's what makes you a Precision Processor.

For you, life is a series of equations. Your brain is naturally predisposed to intense mathematical acuity, and your understanding of numerical problems is unparalleled. It's second nature for you to cut to the heart of an issue, so that you can discover quick solutions to problems while others get bogged down in unnecessary details.

One Precision Processor that comes to mind is the Greek philosopher-mathematician, Pythagoras. Pythagoras had a mind for numbers and, as such, could come up with previously unknown theories like his method for calculating the sides of a right triangle (a2+b2=c2). You too, can use numbers to translate aspects of the world around you — something that doesn't come easily to everyone. Your quick mathematical mind will allow you to communicate a variety of ideas to other people, so don't keep it to yourself.

Precision Processors can apply their mathematical skills to any situation involving numbers. That's a talent that will come in handy for everything from the workplace to splitting a bill 12 ways to converting foreign currency in your head. Others often look to you to do the math and luckily, you're well equipped.

Because of the way you process information, these are just some of the many careers in which you could excel:

• Scientist
• Mathematician
• Accountant
• Data Analyst
• Musician
• Astronomer
• Researcher
• Physicist

You've got tons of strengths. It wouldn't surprise us if you:

• Are resourceful
• Are detail oriented
• Are highly efficient & economical
• Are lightening quick with responses
• Think in numbers
• Are experimental

The intelligence Scales (4 of them)

(Mathematical scale)--90th percentile
(Logical scale)-90th percentile


(Visual-Spatial scale)-80th percentile
(Linguistic scale)-80th percentile


Okay..I'm a blimp now. I know..pop me pop me pop me. I don't think it's me really..too much education put me here. Anyone could get this..if they were crazy book worms like me...

note though: Not sure of how good this test is..they claim it's pretty good. I highly doubt it..as it doesn't seem real...

Anything but it..

So..I have a test this upcoming week. I'll do anything but study. blah blah blah. I tell myself I'm gonna ace the test. Part of me wonders if there's a point. Get a B and walk away..no one looks at grades anymore. Grad schools don't care if I aced a class. What matters is that I got the proper training. So the point is...I should ENJOY and RELAX :P

I'll always wonder..

I like things in order. Order of the way I think things should happen or the way I have seen it happen. I try not to think I force things, though I often wonder if I did. And if I forced it, does it make it authentic? Or is it a matter of coincidence or a matter of something else...I can convince myself over and over about it, but I will always wonder.

I'll never give up..

I've realized that Phd either means "Permanent head damage" or that it simply means that one word "Politics". I still remember the weeks before I moved to my school for the Phd program and all my dad kept saying was "can you handle it..it's a lot of politics and a lot of more than just school"..I remember telling him I would do it. I was told by my previous professors to watch out..because not everyone would be nice to me. I told them I could do it. In fact my masters' advisor towards the end of it had become a bitch to me, just to show me how I'd probably end up being treated in this politically motivated program.

I never believed such shit would happen to me till now. I feel it. Feel it bad. I've never felt helpless. But somehow somewhere in me there's a voice saying you can and you WILL do it..you're not giving up without a fight. I might get humilitiated, but I'd rather know that I was humiliated because I tried. I'm not walking away just because currently I think I can't do it. If I ever do that I'll look back and only wonder and wish if I had the strength to get there (there being the end). I know I have it in me to get there, I just need to find that strength to get there. Currently I feel it's lacking. I just need to sleep on it..and I know I will make it..I just know it. And when I come back I'll come back with a booom..I just need my time.

mmm...nice :D Two hot men (in order of hotness).....but then again nothing beats my boyfriend :))

My great Friend BlueDolphin..

I had to write about BlueDolphin one way or another. I had once said that I would write about him on another blog of mine..but too many people I knew were reading it. I figured starting a blog like this makes it easier for me to really spill my guts out.

I met BlueDolphin back in 2000 or maybe 1999. We met by coincidence..I was in a philosophy chatroom and he was there too. We started talking and then I realized he went to a university up north from mine. One thing led to another and I asked if he knew my friend Aron. Things were starting to make more and more sense,when BlueDolphin asked if I was the girl Aron talked about when Aron would visit him. Point to mention here is that Aron and BlueDolphin were best friends from their elementary school days. I had once seen a pic of BlueDolphin when Aron brought it down after visiting him. So...after we both realized that we knew a ton about each other mainly through Aron, we started talking.

We became a lot closer in 2000 and then towards 2001..when I needed a lot of support from shit in my life. He was there to lend an ear..I'll never forget the night calls from 11 till 2 a.m. if not longer. BlueDolphin is a night owl, and he was always there whenever I had a complaint..and boy did I have a ton of them.

Aron got married in 2002, and BlueDolphin came down to his wedding. We met in 2002; the meeting was unique. I felt as if I had known him all along...Aron had talked his mouth off about us to each other. Aron had picked him up from the airport and then dropped him off in my hometown and my friend of the time Anne and I took him out to eat. We hung out for a bit..but then I left telling him he could hang out with a guy friend of mine at the time, while I went home for the night. I'm not sure if BlueDolphin ever did, though he said he went out on the town and got pot that night and drank. He stayed at a friend of mines' apartment and ended up going through a lot of her shit. I visited him daily for the 3 days he stayed, though I think he got mad at me..as I believe he wanted more time with me which I wasn't able to give due to my schedule of being in a summer program and other things.

Throughout the years, up till now..whenever I've needed an ear he's been there. He's brought me up when I'm crying with no words..and made me realize and rationalize things. He's smacked me upside the head when I needed it.

He's a very lazy guy too..and has a bunch of qualities I totally dislike. He knows I hate them...and he knows a ton of shit he hates about me. Through it all though we've stuck it through and been good friends. He knows of almost all the major happenings in my life...and he's supported me through all of them.

It's funny how friends meet. It's funny how we keep in touch. It's funny how I fight with BlueDolphin nonstop and then he calls me or I call him and we talk like nothing happened. It saddens me though that he lives so far away now in Korea for his job. He says he will come back and visit his family in California, and then fly out to see me. All I know is that meeting up with him will be a lot of fun..though we'll have quite a lot of catching up to do.