Hurt

I'm pretty much torn and hurt inside when it comes to feelings about my family. I don't think of any of them in a positive way. Everytime I think of them, I think pressure..pressure to do what "they think" is best for me. Being the way I am I'm not one to listen to such sorts of things. I have a hard time with it. Moving away from home and starting up on my phd gave me time to figure out who I truely am..and how I truely see myself or at least live the way I am. Still...this family would rather keep posted on all the shit that happens in my life, would rather figure out who I should or should not marry, and be able to tell me everything about my life..down to how much I should spend on buying shoes !

It really isn't fair. I'm a woman turning on 27..and it saddens me that I think like this. It's like being choked with a rope and having no control of talking someone out of taking the rope off your neck. Sometimes you wonder if falling through would solve everything....Yet I'm not a wuss, and would like to think I'm strong. But how long can a person take such pressure..I"ve been doing it all my life..the choking has come to a point that I'm almost lifeless..Yet I still manage to live on..I still manage to go to school and I still manage to carry on a healthy relationship with my boyfriend..though it has it's ups and downs..and it's so hard at times when my mind is sooo jumbled up with shit from lab work, school work, family crap...and my own emotional time during the month. Choking literally is an easy way of putting it really...it's actually worse :(

I have tried...tried so hard to keep my family happy. Yet they all just never think what I say is right or good enough. I know I don't have a thick skin either, and at times I take shit to heart..but at times I wish they'd just appreciate the shit I say..which they don't. They constantly want to tell me that what I did or want to do is wrong...yet years later they find themselves agreeing to it..(example: my family hates the idea of me getting a dog...now my brother is out to find me one and actually wants to help me get one..I'm the one holding back because I have NO time).

I think the root of everything is control..I have no control over my life. I mean..I finally do. I never did before. I was always told what to do..or not to do. I did it just to make people happy, did I ever agree to it....NO! I hate arguments I hate people raising their voice and yelling and to avoid it I did all that. Now it's come to bite me. My parents have this image of me being the assertive one who just listens and gives in....but how can someone do that..and for how long and for what? Would one do it, if it came to a huge decision in their life.....such as being told whom you should share your own BED with?? or another words who to marry. I sure can't....this is something my parents will never get. It hurts me so much. I've told them in EVERY Frikkin way possible ever since I was 24 that I'm not interested in their nasty ass people, and they still are BLIND to me...I swear they can waste their whole life time on this shit..I will never change.

As dear abby once said...words of hate will never leave people. It's so true. If someone yells at me and tells me how much I'm not worth their time or they don't need me...don't expect me to turn around and ever look at you again. Even if it was said in the midst of ones anger. It saddens me that my own dad did that to me..how can I ever take him back? That's not even an option really...it's more that I don't want to take him back. what he said summed up everything for me, and do I really need someone like that in my life who constantly makes me feel like than an inch tall? (though the only time I'm good in his eyes is when he sees I'm excelling in school) I'm losing it really...I've lost it with my sister since she thinks she can tell me shit..I've lost it with my brother since he thinks he can tell me shit...I'm also losing it with my mom though she tries to listen to me and tries to understand me..and honestly I don't want to give her up..she tries soooooo hard to understand me, I really don't want to lose her.

Angry words hurt...I know that when I'm angry I say a lot of shit, but one thing I will never say or tell someone is that they are worthless to me, no matter how angry I am! I will never try to look at someone with bitchy eyes, or call one a bitch...things which I have seen before. I like to work on what I see to make myself not be the shit that pisses me off...

Boiled up emotions..I have many...they come and haunt me on days..so hard to let go of them when they relate to your very own family. It's not like it's about an ex or something...which actually goes away over time; I know it took me years but I surpassed it. Would the same happen with my family? I know it only would if I tried my strategy of avoidance....only avoidance with a family would mean to cut ties for a few years.................