I seem to find solice being alone in the lab. I have been working all day on a presentation and did not get much time to get anything else done. At the same time I was asked to help about 3 people in the lab. Amazes me that on a day on which I am so busy, I get so many people asking for help. I had to turn down the undergrad as what he asked would have taken me a while, and I was not mentally ready to do it. The other stuff required me to be present as I was trained in the work area.

So now I sit..still working on the presentation. My office is relatively quiet now. No one is around which helps me collect my thoughts.

I am not sure where life is headed for me. As much as I try to think I know..I still don't know. I wish I had the answers, but at times I just need to go with the flow. I feel like I'm walking slowly in this world of "hares" while I'm the slow tortoise..some day I will catch up when the rest fall asleep. Someday this tortoise will be happy for what she's done.

It's really hard being me. I feel as if I am whole and live my life the way I want to..here while I live alone..yet when I go home I feel as if I'm a bird caged up; caged up to the point that all her rights have been taken away. I feel like I have no room to breathe. It's been keeping me up at nights, and I've lost too much sleep over it. I can't explain my feelings as whenever I do, I end up having to explain more and feel like I get no where.

I'm starting to get angry..starting to blame. Realizing that I can resolve anything....realizing that this world is full of people who are there to just make me feel like shit, including all of my family. They are all so selfish always hoping that their "reputation" is saved or that their emotions, and health aren't hurt..yet not caring about how I'd feel ever. I'm not sure how long I can keep doing things to keep everyone happy.

It's so hard to juggle so much shit. I at times wish I just had a monotonous job in a normal office so I could go in and come out..and not have to worry. I'm not just juggling school, or research..but my life too in more ways than other people have. I've been doing it for almost 3 years now..I'm not sure how much longer I can keep going. I've lost a lot of motivation.

I found out today from one of my friends that her younger sister got married this past may and now lives in texas. She is 2 years younger than me. I always figured I'd be married before the rest of them...figured I was up to par in that dept. At least I was up to par when it came to dating.

I am starting to feel like I'm losing it financially. Hope it doesn't happen. It's just not cool anymore to realize that I might have to spend more to get another ticket soon for thanksgiving or even christmas again. I hope to not go home for thanksgiving. How can one save when all she saves goes to airplane tickets? If there's any money ever left I spend a bit on myself. I chose this path though, I chose this education, I chose to be completely independent and I should not complain but this is my blog and I will write how I feel. I was thinking this morning..if only I had a roommate, I could pay off any extra money I've spent..oh fuck my family who tells me to visit all the time but don't realize my situation!

I can't seem to complain or talk about this anymore. What I even wish for..I can't write.