I ball each time I see a friend of mine get engaged then married. I see their pictures and I can't help but hold back the tears. I see a wedding on t.v. and I cry my eyes out. People think I have no apetite for it happening soon, when all I want in the world is for it to happen soon.

Then seeing those pictures makes me realize the wall I'm up against..and I only cry and ball some more. I can't seem to find the way out..but I think this personal prison will never leave me. I think it's eaten me up alive. It's not fair to sit there and judge me..when no one understands the situation as much as I do. It's not fair when my friends make fun of me and say why didn't you say so..when they have no clue what I'm up against.

I've cried enough about this..I can't imagine a week of harmony and happiness. I can't imagine a person not crying at least once a week..or more. I'm so used to it myself. I wonder if and when the day comes for me..will I be able to be happy and live the life I dream of..or will I be bruised for life..and never be happy.

I've started to avoid people, events and meetings. When friends get together, I run away...I'm sick of being asked the question..did you tell? And then all of them all they want to say it, come on do it..it's as if they have no clue what I'm going through. It sucks that I care...I wish I did not have emotions it'd be so much easier. If I had no care in this world, but for myself.

I hardly talk to my friends on the phone..I'm sick of talking this same problem over over again. I can't seem to get over it..

:(