Brings me down..

Why is that I get down so fast? Why can't I just shrug shit off?? I'll sit there and think of it nonstop :( Like seriously..nonstop. Part of me wishes and knows of ways to get rid of it..but I wonder if that's the best solution to it all :( Just scared of it all....soo scared. Never want to hear those words....I can't say more....BlueDolphin would smack me and tell me to shut up....Grr dark blue pill week sucks ass :( (last part of the b.c. pills before placebo)

I had a dream last night...it was pretty bad. It only hit me today while in the shower as to what it meant. I have had many dreams like this..been having them since I was in high school. Most of them deal with me running and running, or crawling up a ladder and being soo tired but not stopping, while each rung makes me think elsewise...I've always attributed it to my determination, as when I'm trying to succeed or get somewhere I try try try, and each time I try I think elsewise, but I keep going...ladder of success I guess.

So...my dream last night..It was in my hometown..I was running home from the university..which is like a 7-10 mile run. I was dead tired...out of breath, could see black and almost about to faint around the 4th mile. I contemplated laying down in the snow and just falling asleep in the snow..hoping the pain would go away..but for some reason in my dream, I had gotten on my knees and was taking a rest, yet was also looking towards the rest of the journey, consoling myself and saying come on, you've run more than 1/2 the route, you can do the rest..no point to stop. What was worse was that I was running NAKED in the cold cold winter with snow all around me. I saw others running and they were covered and enjoying it..and then there was me :( I think this means that I'm gonna get humiliated (naked duh), and that I'm running to some goal, yet my humiliation doesn't bug me but towards the middle of the run or path, I stop and wonder and feel like I'm dead..but yet I keep going..or so I hope.

Why do I abuse myself like this? I mean I could seriously go on with life and never have to worry about shit like this....I could get a job and be having a kid, and living a life of no worries..but why do I choose this?? :(