Associations

I associte negative thoughts to activities. The other day I went to visit a friend in her lab. She had a high school student working with her. The high schooler, of indian decent, obviously an overachiever. I could tell from the way she walked in and was told there is no work to do. From the way she then called her parents and talked Hindi to them. Then my friend asked, hey how was your festival this weekend and she responded good, and then she said I also had a debate tournament. I was floored..it brought back memories. No memories which were good. I still remember the days of being on the debate team, not by choice but because I had to; something I had to fulfill to get into college. When all I wanted to do was play soccer, and play an instrument. But I was told that colleges didn't look towards such things. And here was this fellow girl probably raised from parents around the same area as mine, doing similar things to me! It really made me look down on her. It was like all those memories of clenching my teeth and telling myself that soon it will be better someday came back. I sat there looking at her and thinking God I'm glad that shit is over with.

I walked off still feeling negative...still thinking back to the days of when all that mattered or I was told that mattered was grades. The days when I was told there was no way to get my education funded. That I wasn't any good, and not worth any college. The days when even getting one B during the semester was considered bad. The days in which the best extraciricular activies to be in were the speech team, debate team, science club and math club. When all I wanted to do was play in sports and have fun, and just be happy for enjoying the moment rather than being told first place is the only way to go.

I still think back to it..and I wonder if my brother and sister think differently. Maybe they truely enjoyed their time..and honestly they might have as they always got first or second place. I was the 13th place finisher with the smile because I was glad I enjoyed my time.

If there is one thing I learned from it all..I will try the hardest to let my kids enjoy their time in college and high school.

I ball each time I see a friend of mine get engaged then married. I see their pictures and I can't help but hold back the tears. I see a wedding on t.v. and I cry my eyes out. People think I have no apetite for it happening soon, when all I want in the world is for it to happen soon.

Then seeing those pictures makes me realize the wall I'm up against..and I only cry and ball some more. I can't seem to find the way out..but I think this personal prison will never leave me. I think it's eaten me up alive. It's not fair to sit there and judge me..when no one understands the situation as much as I do. It's not fair when my friends make fun of me and say why didn't you say so..when they have no clue what I'm up against.

I've cried enough about this..I can't imagine a week of harmony and happiness. I can't imagine a person not crying at least once a week..or more. I'm so used to it myself. I wonder if and when the day comes for me..will I be able to be happy and live the life I dream of..or will I be bruised for life..and never be happy.

I've started to avoid people, events and meetings. When friends get together, I run away...I'm sick of being asked the question..did you tell? And then all of them all they want to say it, come on do it..it's as if they have no clue what I'm going through. It sucks that I care...I wish I did not have emotions it'd be so much easier. If I had no care in this world, but for myself.

I hardly talk to my friends on the phone..I'm sick of talking this same problem over over again. I can't seem to get over it..

:(

I'm Vocal

A little too vocal..I wish there was a way I could keep it all in. I have to share..yet even sharing at times makes me feel worse. I write..blog on two blogs to get it out of my head. It's just hard.

The whole big publicicity

I guess I have always been different. I am not sure if I purposely chose this or it's just the way I turned out and it's truly me. I know I choose to be the way I am, but then I wonder if I do it to be different.

Even when it came to getting being with someone in your life..I come from the background in which your parents choose..and I opted to choose myself. I wonder if that's me or did I do this to be different from my sister?

Now it's time for marriage..or will be. I guess over the years I've come to avoid this word. It seems everyone and their mother wants to know about it from me...when all I want to do is run away. I'm very much so creeped out about it. Why can't I just go to a court and get it done? I hope that one day we can just do that..or have a very small ceremony. After seeing my sisters' wedding and all the attention you get from sitting in front of people, I always knew..I'd never be able to follow through with it on my own. It's just never been me...or am I saying this to be different? :-|

Tired of it all...

I'm tired of being sick. Tired of feeling drained. Tired of working..tired of always wondering. Tired of waiting. Tired of getting reamed. Tired of being pushed around. Tired of feeling worthless. Tired of waiting for the weekend. Tired of feeling pain;not just nausea but of cramps. Tired of being yelled at. Tired of not having the nerve to speak up! SCREAM

The DVD Player Chronicles..

So...I needed a DVD player after I signed up for total access on blockbuster.com. Movies came in and I needed a means to watch them. Being a student, I decided to buy a cheap DVD player and I did which was on sale. It was a Philips DVD player, but it had a problem and only connected from the front of my TV. So then I took it back and bought a cheaper DVD player but that ones' control did not work. I took that one back and exchanged it for the same one, but that one would skip parts of the movie. I then took that one back and finally bought a 4th DVD player in ONE month, and was able to realize that this one actually worked. It was a memorex DVD player with awesome blue lighting. It lasted up till last week..until it's frigging lights started to flicker and now it wont' even turn on!!! I ONLY had this DVD player for 6 months!!! I still love the DVD player...it looked so nice. WORST part of all this bullshit is that I cannot return the DVD player back anymore.it's way past its' return date..and I don't even have the receipt for it.

Poor ol student me...now will just wait and see...

Sad...

So the emotions have piled up..I'm not sure where I stand, I just know I'm hurt. It's like one thing bugs me, and I fight with it internally. I'm pretty brutal on myself, and usually get very angry if things don't turn out the way they should. Then other things will pile on..only making it worse. Towards the end of it..I'm an emotional wreck, feeling like crap, and hoping to hear some words of comfort.

So...I'm going to try to write them all down in hopes of getting them out of my head:

1. I need to tell my parents of my current relationship situation
2. I need to stop pressuring myself so much
3. I need to stop others from putting more pressure on me
4. Judging someone for their actions is my middle name, and I don't regret it. Thinking of the whys for this is ridiculous..as my answers are pretty rude but true
5. Sick of hearing the parents say get your tickets to come home
6. Friend of mine a post-doc I knew died this weekend in a car crash..I knew his wife too
7. Found out a good friend of mine who I looked up to for advice is getting a divorce
8. It doesn't help that the shit that bugs you is also shit that bugs your friend and she only reinforces why you hate that shit to begin with

There..I think I got most of it..excluding the lab stress that I always have.